You Can Love Yourself More Than You Were Loved by Them

Yulia Ievleva LMFT
2 days ago
4 min read

If you’re reading this and carrying the heavy, invisible weight of chronic suicidal thoughts, know this: you are not broken. You are not weak. You are surviving something most people can’t begin to imagine.

For many, suicidality doesn’t always stem from a single event. It can be the result of years - sometimes decades - of abuse, neglect, humiliation, invalidation, or abandonment, especially when that harm came from the very people who were supposed to care for you. Family. Parents. Home.

That kind of betrayal runs deep. And the pain that follows can linger, sharp and persistent. You may find yourself wondering why you still feel this way, even after leaving the situation, even after therapy or years of trying to "move on."

This is chronic suicidality - different from a one-time crisis. It can be an ongoing battle between the part of you that wants to live and the part of you that is tired of fighting.

Let’s talk honestly.

It’s Okay to Set Boundaries - Even with Family

Many survivors of childhood abuse feel pressure - cultural, religious, or internalized - to maintain contact with their family of origin. But here’s the truth: you are allowed to prioritize your emotional and psychological safety over obligation!

Estrangement is painful but so is staying connected with people who continue to hurt you - or who never acknowledged the damage they caused. You’re not cruel, unforgiving, or weak if you choose to stop visiting them on holidays. You’re protecting the parts of yourself that never got the protection you deserved.

You can make a new kind of family - friends, therapists, and chosen loved ones. Relationships where safety, respect, care, concern, and trust are mutual.

Suicidal Thoughts Aren’t a Moral Failing

Chronic suicidality isn’t about attention. It’s not drama. It’s not selfishness. It is, as Dr. Marsha Linehan’s Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) framework often emphasizes, a coping strategy - albeit a painful one - for overwhelming emotional suffering.

In her research, Dr. Marsha Linehan found that many people with chronic suicidality also experienced significant invalidation in childhood. The suicidal thoughts may be a way to express pain, escape suffering, or simply feel like there’s a way out.

You’re not “crazy.” You’re hurting. And there is help.

Depression Can Be Long-Lasting - and It’s Also Treatable

Depression that stems from prolonged trauma can be so woven into your life that it feels like part of your identity. This form of complex, long-term depression often goes overlooked, misdiagnosed, or dismissed.

But it is highly treatable, even if it’s been with you for years.

Evidence-based therapies like DBT, CBT, and trauma-informed approaches such as EMDR or Internal Family Systems (IFS) have shown significant benefits. You don’t have to feel like this forever!

If You’re Feeling Suicidal Right Now: Make a Safety Plan

You don’t need to be in immediate danger to make a safety plan. In fact, it’s better to create one when you’re feeling a little more stable.

Here are the basic components of a safety plan:

Warning signs – What are the first signs that things are getting bad? (Fatigue, isolation, irritability?)
Coping strategies – What can you do to self-soothe or distract? (Walking, music, art, breathing exercises?)
People and places that feel safe – Who can you call or text, even if it’s just to talk about something else?
Professional help – Who is your therapist, psychiatrist, or crisis line contact?
Ways to reduce risk – Remove or secure access to anything you might use to harm yourself.
Reasons to live – Remind yourself of what you care about, even if it feels small.

You can use apps like Stanley-Brown Safety Plan or write it out by hand.

If you're in immediate danger, please reach out:

911, local ER/Hospital, 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline (call or text in the U.S.)

Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741

How to Find Help When You’re Tired of Trying

Locating support can feel like a mountain to climb, especially if you're exhausted or have had disappointing experiences before. Here’s a simplified way to get started:

Use your zip code on PsychologyToday.com to find trauma-informed or DBT-trained therapists.
Ask directly: Email or call and say, “I’m looking for someone who has experience with chronic suicidality and childhood trauma. Are you accepting clients?”
Community Mental Health Clinics often offer sliding scale services.
Peer support: Groups like Warm Lines (non-emergency support lines), Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance (DBSA), and National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) can help you feel less alone.