The Myth of a "Magical Fix" in Therapy

It’s not uncommon for people in unhappy marriages or relationships to seek therapy, hoping for a quick fix. But the reality is that therapy doesn’t work that way.

While it’s normal to want immediate relief from emotional pain, the truth is that lasting change requires effort, engagement, and a willingness to try new approaches. Unfortunately, some individuals - couples included - show up in therapy expecting a magic solution while continuing to avoid making any real effort to change.

The Illusion of the “Magic Fix”

In therapy, the therapist is there to offer guidance, tools, and strategies to help couples navigate their challenges. But the real work lies with the individuals in the relationship. It’s easy to fall into the trap of expecting the therapist to provide some miraculous solution that will instantly make everything better. However, therapy is not about the therapist fixing the problem for you; it’s about the couple, together, taking responsibility for their own growth and improvement.

When someone refuses to put in the work or show up fully in therapy, no amount of advice or techniques will lead to real change. For instance, if a partner refuses to communicate openly or consistently, or if they continue to avoid addressing underlying issues, simply showing up for a session isn’t going to solve the problem. Change happens when both partners are willing to reflect on their behaviors, challenge their own patterns, and actively work on the relationship.

Why Effort Matters in Therapy

Therapy isn’t a passive process. It requires ongoing effort, especially outside of the therapy room. If one partner is committed to change but the other is not, it creates an imbalance that hinders progress. Similarly, if both partners aren’t willing to take action, therapy can feel like a series of conversations with little to no forward momentum.

Take, for example, a couple who struggles with communication. If they come to therapy and the therapist offers strategies for improving communication - like active listening or “I” statements - but one partner refuses to practice these techniques, no meaningful progress can be made. Therapy can provide all the tools, but they only work if both individuals are willing to put them into practice.

Moreover, it’s important to note that therapy can’t fix deeply ingrained habits or patterns of behavior overnight. For change to occur, there must be a willingness to be vulnerable, to confront discomfort, and to take steps outside of the comfort zone. It’s easy to want things to get better quickly, but real change takes time and effort.

The Role of the Therapist in This Process

The therapist’s role is not to “save” the couple or to provide magical solutions. Instead, therapists help identify patterns of behavior, provide new ways of thinking, and offer practical tools for improving relationships. But if one or both partners aren’t ready to change or unwilling to try, therapy will remain stagnant.

Therapists may also point out the need for personal responsibility. If someone in the relationship continues to resist change or refuses to engage with the process, it can be important to explore why they’re avoiding the work. In some cases, it may even be necessary to address whether therapy is right for them at that point in time. It’s important to understand that therapy requires active participation - without it, no real progress can happen.

What Happens When One or Both Partners Won’t Engage

When couples show up for therapy but refuse to do the work outside of the sessions, frustration often builds. The couple may feel stuck or resentful, and the therapist may feel helpless, knowing that the change they’re working toward is dependent on the couple’s willingness to take action.

In these cases, therapy can become a space for repeated talking without movement. The couple may discuss the same issues week after week, but without the necessary effort to shift behaviors or perspectives. When this happens, a critical conversation may be needed: “Is this something both of you are truly ready to work on? Are you both willing to do the hard work outside of these sessions?”

Therapy Requires Effort

It’s essential to understand that therapy is not a one-sided process. No amount of talking or advice will change a relationship if both partners are not committed to putting in the effort. Therapy can help provide clarity, guidance, and support, but the real transformation happens when individuals take responsibility for their actions, make a conscious decision to change, and actively apply what they have learned.

If a couple is unwilling to make any effort to change, therapy may not be the right fit at that moment. Sometimes, it’s important to pause and reflect on whether both partners are truly ready to do the work necessary for change. Without that willingness, therapy can only go so far.

Therapy works best when both partners are ready to engage, be vulnerable, and make an effort. Without that, the process will remain stagnant, no matter how much support the therapist offers.